The Other Person Responsible for Creating You

There's lots of talk in the adoption world about birth mothers. The sacrifices they made. The dreams they had for their babies. On Mother's Day, children's birthdays & family days, blogs are flooded w/thoughts about birth moms and the significant place they have in our children's lives.

There is decidedly less said about birth fathers.

I know in our family, the kids' birth moms are part of every conversation we have about their adoptions:

You grew in your birth mom's belly. She loved you, but she couldn't take care of a baby. She made a plan to give you the life she wanted you to have.

We have yet to mention their birth fathers. The boys don't even know they exist.

Its just at this age, I don't know where to begin. Birth moms are easy to talk about, they play a role kids understand (growing a baby in her belly) and in our case, as in many cases, chose adoption b/c they knew it was the only way to give their children the life they wanted them to have. Birth moms' stories are the ultimate example of what it means to love someone more than yourself.

Birth father stories are often not as simple or as nice. I know ours aren't. For one thing, I am so not ready to explain the role a man plays in where babies come from to my 2 & 3 year olds, especially when that story doesn't start w/"when a man and a woman love each other very much...". Then there's the undesirable role, or lack there of, some birth fathers play in their children's adoptions. I won't get into specifics w/our children's stories, but many children's histories include fathers who wanted pregnancies terminated or who deserted birth mothers after learning of the pregnancy. Conversely, there are many birth moms who chose not to tell the father about the pregnancy or her decision to make an adoption plan - sometimes b/c the pregnancy was the result of a casual relationship, sometimes b/c the father is not a good person, sometimes b/c she doesn't want him to try to talk her out of it. I'm not saying all birth fathers are evil or selfish, but many times, as w/our sons', the roles they played are complicated. Its hard to fill a page in your toddler's lifebook entitled "The reason your birth mom kept you a secret".

Yet it is conversation I know we will have to begin in the next few years. Birth fathers are part of our children's adoption stories and I will not make the mistake of thinking the kids will never wonder who their biological fathers are. I will also not omit them b/c it is simpler and risk sending my boys the message that when it comes to creating a life, its only women that matter. Men do matter; my boys need to grow up knowing they will matter to their children. So I'm finding the words to begin the conversation...