Loosening My Grip

Aidan woke up last night and because he currently has a cold that prevents him from sucking his thumb, I ended up taking him into the guest room to sleep. Long after he drifted off, sprawled sideways across the bed w/his feet in my face, I laid frozen in place on my 1/8th of the mattress, obsessing about a decision I'd committed myself to 12 hours earlier.

Starting this Wednesday, I've hired 2 girls from our neighborhood to babysit the boys for 3 hours every week while I exercise, shower and cross other non-kid-friendly errands off my to do list.

I realize for many of you, this doesn't seem like a momentous event and certainly isn't anything to lose sleep over. Yet I there I was, wide awake at 1 am, panicking about all the things I would have to tell Kayla & Dallas on Wednesday:

• My cell number will be taped to all the phones.
• The kids cannot go outside w/o bug spray & sunscreen.
• Aidan tries to sneak into the woods if you look away for even a second
• Aidan is not allowed to jump off the fireplace, no matter what he tells you.
• Aidan has been known to eat chalk. and flowers. and twigs. and once a lady bug.

....and on and on and on....

As I laid in bed, thinking of the hundreds of vitally important pieces of information these girls were going to have to commit to memory before they could take care of my kids, I was suddenly struck with 2 thoughts. First, Good Lord Aidan is a lot of work and second, maybe this whole babysitter thing is a bad idea, I should cancel.

When asked why we've never used a babysitter, I've always said that it didn't make sense to pay someone when I have 2 sisters, both parents and numerous relatives who will do it for free. Plus, with Andy's shaky sense of security, the sleepless nights and tantrums that follow introducing a new person into his life don't make the few hours away worth it. Those things are both true, but I realized last night there is more to it than that.

A big part of it is that I have trouble giving up even the tiniest bit of control over Andy & Aidan without obsessing over all the things that could go wrong in my absence. What if Andy is too scared to ask to go to the bathroom and has an accident? What if someone doesn't cut their food into small enough pieces and one of them chokes? What if no one helps Aidan walk down the stairs and he falls? What if they don't get tucked into bed the special way they like and go to sleep feeling lonely and missing me?

The thing is, this is not the kind of parent I want to be. I've struggled w/anxiety all my life and its super not cool. I don't want my kids to learn from me that every park is a potential broken bone, that every stranger could be a kidnapper, that every popsicle is a possible choking hazard. Most importantly, I don't want them to grow up feeling that every time they are away from me they are not safe.

So tonight I'm going to finish this post and go distract myself w/a good book. On Wednesday I'm going spend 35 mins w/Kayla and Dallas going over the laminated child care instructions I will no doubt create tomorrow and then I'm going to take a deep breathe and head down to the basement to reacquaint myself w/the elliptical while two very capable girls feed my kids a snack.

Maybe in a few weeks I'll even make myself leave the house while they're here :)